Why accountability feels totally different for everybody
Two phrases I hear on a regular basis: motivation and accountability.
From shoppers, readers, and individuals who wish to get more healthy however can’t appear to make it stick.
Whereas they sound easy, each are literally…sophisticated.
When somebody says, “I simply want extra accountability,” what that actually means can fluctuate loads.
- Typically it’s about techniques and construction.
- Typically it’s about readability on their targets and find out how to obtain them.
- And generally, it’s about how we personally reply to expectations – each from ourselves and from others.
Why no single “system” matches everybody
Should you’ve ever learn books like Atomic Habits by James Clear, The Energy of Behavior by Charles Duhigg, or Change by Chip and Dan Heath, you realize there are numerous frameworks on the market for understanding conduct.
After 15 years of teaching, right here’s what I’ve realized:
None of those techniques are foolproof. None of them absolutely seize how advanced individuals actually are.
However that’s not the purpose. Every one is a lens. A brand new vantage level that helps us see our habits and struggles in a different way.
And while you’re caught, generally that’s precisely what you want: a recent perspective that provides you a brand new option to method issues.
Enter The 4 Tendencies
A number of years in the past, our whole teaching crew learn The 4 Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, and it supplied some actually key insights that we’ve baked into our teaching program and the way we take into consideration serving to individuals ever since.
The fundamental idea is that this: individuals reply to inner and exterior expectations in a different way. By understanding which expectations you thrive with, and that are a battle, you may work with your pure tendencies as a substitute of combating in opposition to them.
The commonest tendency we see is The Obliger.
Obligers are the glue of a crew or household. They meet outer expectations (deadlines, commitments, serving to others), however resist inside ones (self-care, private targets, boundaries).
Sound acquainted?
Should you’ve ever mentioned:
“I do know what I must be doing… however I can’t appear to do it for me,”
…you is likely to be on this group.
One among our shoppers described it completely:
“Each little bit of vitality feels consumed by surviving my workday, assembly the wants of my household, serving to with the wants of others… there’s too little self-care and self-prioritization in my life right now.
I do know I convey the state of affairs upon myself. I’m wired to decide to issues, to be concerned, to wish to be wanted and valued and acknowledged. But it surely comes at a worth. The calls for from different individuals or issues go away little left for me.”
That’s the Obliger expertise in a nutshell.
And let me be clear, this isn’t about weak point or lack of willpower.
The truth is, Obligers get SO MUCH performed.
The issue is that they usually sacrifice their very own targets to assist others, which may result in well being challenges within the long-run.
How we assist Obligers succeed
At Nerd Health Teaching, we assist Obligers by offering three key helps: exterior accountability, Dial Mode changes, and monitoring wins as they accumulate to bolster and reward their progress.
Right here’s how one can translate these into your individual observe:
- A coach or exercise buddy you checks in and celebrates wins with you
- A guidelines or monitoring system that makes your progress seen
- Constructing out a Dial Mode – i.e. a plan for several types of days so you may alter accordingly and keep away from burnout
- Reframing targets as one thing that advantages others – i.e. “I’m exercising so I’ve extra vitality for my children.”
As you’ll discover, a number of of these are about externalizing your accountability.
Right here’a one other enjoyable tactic: write a letter out of your future self to your present self thanks for exhibiting up. That is the precise factor that clicked for my consumer Gina. When issues obtained hectic, writing that letter made her really feel accountable to her future self (in a great way!). That easy shift helped her keep constant via a chaotic month.
The Hidden Hazard: burnout and the “pause button”
Obligers usually tackle an excessive amount of.
They juggle one million competing expectations – deadlines, household, coworkers, neighborhood.
And when all of it will get too heavy, they have a tendency to hit the massive crimson pause button on SOME of these.
“I simply can’t take care of all of this proper now. I’ll get again to it later.”
Completely comprehensible. And in reality, it’s an act of self-preservation. They CAN’T preserve going at 100 miles per hour.
We frequently see people on this situation attempt to lower out all of those exterior expectations with the hope that they’ll lastly have time to give attention to themselves later.
It sounds logical, however it often backfires.
As a result of Obligers really thrive with some type of exterior accountability.
So the important thing isn’t to eradicate expectations. It’s to curate them.
Listed here are just a few counterintuitive questions I prefer to ask to just do that:
What are the advantages of NOT transferring in the direction of objective X proper now?
And what are the implications of constant to maneuver in the direction of it?
By reversing the outdated “professional/con” record, we are able to get numerous readability on what feels good to you!
Large image takeaway
Motivation and accountability aren’t one-size-fits-all.
Understanding your “tendency” offers you a brand new lens – and utilizing instruments particular to your wants will increase your possibilities of success within the long-run.
If you wish to see the place you land, you may take the free quiz from Gretchen right here -> https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/
Let me know which tendency you get! (I’m a Questioner! 🙋♂️)
-Matt
P.S. Enjoyable reality: ~60% of the individuals we work with at Nerd Health Teaching determine as Obligers. Everybody’s wants are totally different, which is why we design teaching round you, not generic motivation hacks. If that sounds just like the sort of construction you’ve been lacking, I’d love to speak to you. Simply hit reply to this e mail. ❤️
